A DESIRE OF HEART

A Desire of Heart

As we grow older our perspectives and ambitions in life also change.

When I was a child I used to think that I want to be a doctor because I want to help people who need cure from their illnesses, especially those who are incapable of paying health services in private hospitals.  One day, my career plan was blown away by the influence of media.  In the movie that I watched, I saw a lady doing office works, organizing files, reminding her boss for the meeting and so on. Something inside told me that I want the job of that lady as a secretary. Later on, I admired my aunt who is a nun because of her simplicity, humility and religiosity. But when I reached 4^th year High School I decided to follow the step of my mom as a teacher and planned to take History as a major.  Fate is playful because I was not able to pass the Bicol University entrance examination for Education. The University Registrar suggested that I may enroll to College of Arts and Letters. I considered the proposal and tried to enroll in the AB English program. The situation became difficult for me; the enrollees for the course program were full already. I almost wanted to cry and went home; on the contrary, my parents were there to support me. I decided to take the course program of Speech and Theater Arts. Anyway, I love theater arts.  I intended to shift on the 2^nd semester but it was not materialized because I already enjoyed the company of my new friends and appreciated the value of our program. To make the story short, I finished the four-year course as a professional artist.

After I graduated, it was not difficult for me to look for a job. Probably because I was an honor student but I really don’t like to mention it. I want to be recognized with what I had done and not with the title I have.  In 3 years of adventure in the world of Industry, I was not contented. I continued searching for a career that will make me feel right and satisfied.

I went home to look for a job because I thought the reason of dissatisfaction is being away from my family. An opportunity knocked on my door, with no doubt I took it.

June 2011 was my first time to teach. Fear, Happiness, Doubt – mixed emotions that I felt because it’s new to me. Yet, there’s no turning back. I took the challenge that made me satisfied.  

This second semester is my second time to nourish the students with my expertise for them to be the next professional not only in knowledge but also in values.

Maria Giselle B. Artiaga

“My Memoir on Love”

“My Memoir on Love”

By: Ma. Theresa Clerigo

No one seemed happier than a woman who has her own family, with a loving husband and a sweet child. I may also say that every married woman has her own story to tell; how she fought and survived in the midst of predicament, and sometimes how she gave up for the sake of her family and for herself.

Few years ago, I was the happiest woman on earth for finally I had found a man whom I thought I will spend with for the rest of my life. Hence, I felt that I was blissful of having him in my existence because this man took the courage to fill in the emptiness in me. He was my prince charming and my knight and shining armor as I searched for my fate. He was the only man who showed me the deeper sense of affection, that there is no ugly truth, and the full volition of accepting the imperfection in this thing called love.

In just a short span of time, my husband and I were very happy and contented especially when God gave us an angel who would powerfully bind us together and fulfill the vow we had for each other. But in our four years of marriage, there came a storm which eventually not only wiped out what we had built, shattered our dreams, ruined our lives but also ended our marriage. It was when he decided that I should go back to school and finish my studies while he’s working. Meanwhile, one sad thing about it was he sent me in Daraga while he was in Laguna but we promised each other that as soon as I finished my studies we will be together again. Consequently, we seldom saw each other; yet it wasn’t easy to be hundred miles away from him, though it was harder than I thought, I held on to our marriage and the assurance we both had. Perhaps, it is true that “Absence make the heart forget,” because  unfortunately, last summer 2007, where I just finished my second year course, I didn’t know that he met a younger woman who was 20 yrs. Old that time and it achingly led to an illicit affair. While spending the vacation with him and my little boy, I already felt that there was wrong about him. He became dull and cold in treating me; there were also times wherein he hated me unreasonably. Until it came to a point, that I should confront him and once for all clear things out. One night before we went to bed, I bravely asked him if he still loved me, he didn’t say a thing, instead he just shrugged his shoulders and embraced me so tightly. It was an implied answer, yet he painfully admitted that he was having an affair with that damn girl. To my surprised, I just mournfully cried. As a matter of fact, after knowing the truth, I felt betrayed and rejected, the pain I was feeling inside was excruciating, and I wanted to die that moment. Furthermore, I was even restless, hopeless, feebled and anxious about the situation. From there, things started to fall apart. Somehow, I wanted to forget everything and start a new life as well; I also decided to discontinue my studies to save my family from being broken. Yet, he refused to agree simply because he loved me no more. How can love faded away so easily? Where did I go wrong?  There were many questions left hanging and unanswered. Thus,  providence was so unkind for no matter what my sacrifices were, I could no longer brought back what was lost and   untangled what was  distorted. More so, the bitter truth had finally slapped on my face when he had chosen his mistress over us. Despite what I had done, my efforts were futile and my prayers were useless.

However though, while I was having an emotional turmoil, I just can’t simply throw away everything for I have a son who loved me so dearly. I had so many sleepless nights and the only thing I did was to cry. Sometimes, while riding in the jeepney, when the dilemma suddenly crossed my mind, tears just kept falling from my eyes and it’s uncontrollable.  It had never been expunged no matter what I did. Momentarily, I went back to school and pretended that nothing happened. It was really difficult knowing that I bore this burden; grudge, anger, hatred, regrets in my heart but I

had to do what I had to do. Fortunately, in spite of what I had been through, after two years of struggles and difficulties, I was able to graduate with flying colors. With all the courage I had, I was able to surpass everything even without my husband’s love and support.

Indeed, in a way some marriages don’t last for perpetuity particularly when the other party repudiated to fix what was broken. But as a wife, I assumed that I had already done my part, I tried to hold on but he pushed himself away from us.  If I wasn’t enough for him maybe he just failed to acknowledge my worth just like what I did to him. As a mother, I am giving him the love and care he ought to have. That if I failed to be a wife to his father, I will never fail to be a mother to him. As a woman, I learned to value myself more, for I was too busy loving somebody but I failed to realize that I also needed to be loved in return. Whatever happened to me in the past is just my life learning lessons which I reflect on as my strength and inspiration in reaching the milestone.  What’s important is I never gave up fighting to regain my dignity, and respect for myself. I’m delighted that after I succeeded from the worst scenario God had given me, I had conquered my fear in facing this journey alone and overcome my despondency as well. Happiness cannot only be found to one person alone but it is deep within oneself. Only time can tell as to whether he comes back or not. But for now, I just savor every bit of opportunity that knocks on my door.

  “Change was never easy, I fought to hold on, and I fought to let go.”

A GENIUS PIECE

A GENIUS PIECE

By: Dina F. Comboy

          Imagine. Imagine living during the time of Dr. Jose Rizal wherein no signs of technology yet. Imagine the world without computer. Perhaps you will question yourself, how will I survive? How will I get in touch with my friends and relatives? How will I beat the deadline of my boss? How will I get myself acquainted with the stream of facts that surrounds me? So, can you still survive?

           Computers run the world nowadays. A predominant invention, man had ever made. Almost every office is run by computers. Lesson planning for teachers becomes effortless. Saving and retrieving of document was steadfast for office clerks. Treatments and operations of the sick become swift and painless for physicians. Criminals were easily tracked down by police enforcers. These are just some of the numerous advantage of computer. Realizing these makes me feel fortunate being born during the computer age. I’m lucky because the world was made more comfortable because of computer. But to whom are we really grateful for this invention? Let’s move the hands of time back to where it begins.

           Many inventors contributed to the history of computers and that a computer is a complex piece of machinery made up of so many parts, each of which can be considered a separate invention. That is why no single person can claim that computer was solely his own invention. Time after time it gradually evolves from single tasking to multi tasking depending to the needs of time.

           It was year 1936 when computer enters the mainstream with Konrad Zuse’s Z1 computer, the first freely programmable computer. Six years later, John Atanasoff and Clifford Bey came out with their invention, the ABC computer. After 2 years of the release of the ABC computer, Howard Aiken and Grace Hopper, launched the Harvard Mark 1 computer. Then several scientists were rewarded for their remarkable invention. The well known IBM or International Business Machines enters into the history of computer in the year 1953. From that year on the IBM has manipulated the computer world. Year after year, they come out with series of innovations which amazed the market. Until their number one rival was born, the Apple computers. Steve Jobs and Wozniak started the Apple computers. Jobs and Wozniak are credited with revolutionizing the computer industry by democratizing the technology and making the machines smaller, cheaper intuitive and accessible to everyday consumers. Bill Gate’s Microsoft begins the friendly war with Apple in 1985 up to present.

           Indeed, the computer we are enjoying today are not merely a product of single mind rather a continuous struggle of several scientists to make the world a better and comfortable place to live in.    

MYSTERY OF EMOTIONS (Narrative Essay)

MYSTERY OF EMOTIONS

               How should people deal with their emotions? Oftentimes, our life may seem like a carnival-exciting, frightening and confusing. When we are in this place, it is like that our senses is bombarded with different games and sideshows, noise, lights, colors and endless variety of impressions that all demand for our attention simultaneously. Until we are barraged by a seemingly endless and different ideas, advices and directions that confuses us on where to go or whom to listen to. 

             In the midst of this confusion, many of us resort to patching together the odds and ends of advice from different people and different sectors. But this sometimes is quite dangerous. A unique but overlooked part of people’s emotional life is the emotional chain reaction. We often experienced our emotions not just one at a time but in a series or all at once. Often, one emotion gives birth to another and then another, with each succeeding emotion generating new emotions. This stockpile effect is more common to women than men, though men may experience this to some extent. Some women may have recognized this chain reaction in their lives but many others may have not had even the slightest ideas that they are experiencing this. 

           Recognizing this chain reaction can help us understand why we feel and behave this way. At some point we must decide on to whom we must listen to. Our emotions are meant to be tools to aid us in our faith in God. Our emotions are no different than any other area of our lives where in God is the center of it. God is God; he can be trusted with every facet of our lives including our emotions. Thus, lifting everything to Him will reassure us that in every situation we will be into we are guided with right emotions.

                             Ms. Mae Desiree C. Coros

NARRATIVE ESSAY

TAKEN

By Anabelle B. Añonuevo

My heart becomes heavy and tired when I remember my child. 

My husband (William) and I were married for at least a year before we decided to have a baby. We were the happiest couple on earth when we learned that I was conceiving. I was so excited and thrilled everytime my husband would come home from work because he would care for me twice as he did before I got pregnant. He became sweeter of course because there was a little creature growing inside my womb, the fruit of our love.

Being an expecting mom, I was very eager to learn the whats and the whys of pregnancy. I would research from the internet the dos and the don’ts of pregnant women and even how cesarean section and normal delivery are done. I got a little scared of what I discovered but my husband made me strong. 

During prenatal check-ups, he religiously accompanied me to my private OBGYN. I will never forget that great joy we both felt when I had my first ultra sound. My tears fell when I heard his heart beat while my husband held my hand. It was so amazing. I listened attentively to my doctor. I did what she told me. I ate fruits and vegetables, drank milk and took vitamins. 

On my second month of pregnancy, I told William that I want to rent a house near the school where I teach for I thought it would be better than traveling twenty eight kilometers every day. And so, my very patient husband agreed even if it meant twenty eight kilometers drive from his work place.

A few months later, my tummy grew big so I started using maternity clothes. I would always touch my tummy and talk to my baby. I was so fortunate for I didn’t have any morning sickness, back aches or headaches which were believed to be very common to pregnant women.

We became happier when we started to feel our baby’s movement. He would move the most when his father comes home and talks to him like a real human being. I remember how he responds to his father when he feels my tummy.

On my fourth month, William and I started to buy things for our precious one. We were extremely excited.

It was the sixth month of my pregnancy when my doctor advised me to eat more due to my baby’s weight. She said I shouldn’t reduce my food intake because my baby’s too small for his age. And so I did. I didn’t control my diet thinking it was for my baby’s sake.

It was his seventh month when I felt a pain in my nape and so I told my doctor about it. We were all shocked when she announced by blood pressure. It was 160/100. It was way above the normal blood pressure.

She referred me to a government hospital and advised me to submit myself for confinement. She said that my blood pressure must be monitored at all times to prevent trouble. And so I did. 

I stayed at the hospital for two weeks but my blood pressure kept shooting up. Both of my hands were swollen because of the intravenous infusions that I have gone through. I had to take oral medications so as to normalize my BP. I was even catheterized twice. 

But as I stayed in that hospital, I could hardly notice my baby’s movement. I got scared so I told the nurse and the doctor about it. But they told me to relax because the baby’s fine. Being the one who was carrying the baby, I knew that there was something wrong. So I forced my husband to take me out of that hospital.

When I got out of the hospital, I decided to go to my OBGYN together with my sister, Aileen. That was the first time that my husband did not join me for he was needed by his boss. After telling my doctor about my concern, she immediately performed an ultra sound and then to our surprise, she couldn’t find my baby’s heart beat. She pressed my tummy several times and then she shook her head. Softly she said, “I’m sorry but your baby has no more heart beat. What happened?” I answered her question with a question too:  “What? It can’t be!” She said, “Yes, I really can’t find his heartbeat and based from the findings, he’s been dead approximately 24 hours”.

I just couldn’t believe what I heard. I felt like shouting and crying when I heard the news. My sister couldn’t believe either since she prepared the baby’s clothes a week before that. Just as I was sitting and trying to stay calm, my husband called. He asked about the check up. I just told him that we have to meet and talk as soon as possible. 

When we met, I didn’t know how to tell him about our son. I was shaking when I uttered: “He’s gone.” That was the first time that I saw him felt so down. We both cried and didn’t know what to do.  It was my sister who informed our family about the incident and so they came to help.

They sympathized and gave us advice. There was nothing we could do but to accept the fact that our little son… our precious one was gone. Our relatives told us that God probably has other plans for us. It was hard for me to accept that especially when I saw a couple at the hospital. They looked so stressed and poor and I guess they have a very big family. I asked myself this question: “What have I done? Am I that bad to be punished?” I even questioned God. I asked him: “Why did you give those poor couple another child when they got a dozen already? Why did you take our son?”.

We prepared enough for our baby and yet, he was taken away. He was so tiny… he was innocent. He was so wonderful. He was our happiness but why did it have to happen? As day went by, I learned to accept his loss. But I would still cry when I hear baby’s cry from the delivery room. In my one week of stay at the hospital, I kept praying for a normal delivery. And so on August 15, 2010, my eighth day of stay, I experienced the labor pain and I had a normal delivery. I thanked God for answering my prayers and I asked him to allow our baby to be our angel and watch over us.

Sometimes I still get hurt when I remember that experience. I also feel sorry when I see street children who are not being cared by their parents. 

I hope someday, I can get over this hurt. I hope someday, God will give us another gift. I believe that our son is up there, watching over us and so I must not feel bad. I love my son. His dad and I love him so much.

So if you have a son or a daughter, you must be thankful. God gave you a gift which is truly precious. Take care of your children and cherish every moment that you have. Make them the happiest children on earth.

Written by:

Anabelle B. Añonuevo

Of Love, Pains and Heartaches…

by: Mirriam Bless F. Detera


Every time I came across old pictures, unused things in the dusty shelf, broken equipments or materials, unvisited graveyards, unread books and other things that has eventually been forgotten, I never failed to pause and ask myself, Why? With little less importance, those things that once have been part of the present have now become a distant memory of the past.

I could never forget the time that I rode at his bicycle, the first time we played chess together, the time when he would wait for me to wake up because he is going to keep the bed, the time when we would go to my grandmother’s house and play in her old house, the time when he would pamper me with toys he got from a Jolly Kiddie Meal, and who could never forget his first whip because I went overboard with myself. Those are but just a few things I recall whenever the word “FATHER” would flash into my conscious mind. That world is not anymore present physically in our lives but I know he’s present spiritually and mentally.

I was not used to the idea of visiting him in the hospital, yes, he was confined several times because of heart failure. I was not used to it though; I went at the District Hospital one afternoon after my class excitedly showing him my project that has been given a high grade, and who would have thought that it was the last project that he would see. I went there happily and holding on to the fact that he would soon be discharged in the morning, but I was wrong.

The following morning, he and mama never came home; instead, he was transferred to a private hospital in the city for further treatments. I was worry free and still holding on to the fact that he and mama would come home soon and I could visit them in the hospital, but I was wrong again. Later that night, I was becoming uneasy; my cousins who were there with me told me to just relax and assured me that everything would be alright. Then, my phone rang, it was mama, I instantly trembled the moment I heard her voice, on the other line, I could hear her weeping, and slowly breaking the news about papa. They told me that they were coming home, after she brings papa to the mortuary…. The moment she got off the phone with me, I didn’t know what to do, and instantly, tears came flowing in my eyes lots of them. Suddenly, in my mind, it’s as if I am taken back to the past, memories came flooding in, both happy and sad.

Papa came home the following day, he came in his special barong tagalong and he was indeed very decent, he came home in a casket. As I look at him, I can’t help but weep. It’s a waste that he would not see me get high grades in my projects, and would not be able to accompany me as I get my diploma during my high school graduation. It was indeed the saddest December me and mama had. During the wake, I would always stay by his side, and say “I Love You Papa”, powerful words that I never mentioned when he could still hear and respond to it.

We could never do things together now like what we used to before, most of all, I wouldn’t have the chance, personally to say to him how much I love him and how much I cared for him. I regret those idle times that I had with him because I was afraid and shy to tell him what I feel, now, I cannot anymore do that. I regret those times that we could spend as bonding moments.

Papa is now up there. Every time I remember him, regrets always linger, but come to think of it, I have an angel to guide me and to remind me that I should never have regrets because I have my whole life here on earth to thank him  and say “I Love You Papa” in my silent prayers.#