“My Memoir on Love”

“My Memoir on Love”

By: Ma. Theresa Clerigo

No one seemed happier than a woman who has her own family, with a loving husband and a sweet child. I may also say that every married woman has her own story to tell; how she fought and survived in the midst of predicament, and sometimes how she gave up for the sake of her family and for herself.

Few years ago, I was the happiest woman on earth for finally I had found a man whom I thought I will spend with for the rest of my life. Hence, I felt that I was blissful of having him in my existence because this man took the courage to fill in the emptiness in me. He was my prince charming and my knight and shining armor as I searched for my fate. He was the only man who showed me the deeper sense of affection, that there is no ugly truth, and the full volition of accepting the imperfection in this thing called love.

In just a short span of time, my husband and I were very happy and contented especially when God gave us an angel who would powerfully bind us together and fulfill the vow we had for each other. But in our four years of marriage, there came a storm which eventually not only wiped out what we had built, shattered our dreams, ruined our lives but also ended our marriage. It was when he decided that I should go back to school and finish my studies while he’s working. Meanwhile, one sad thing about it was he sent me in Daraga while he was in Laguna but we promised each other that as soon as I finished my studies we will be together again. Consequently, we seldom saw each other; yet it wasn’t easy to be hundred miles away from him, though it was harder than I thought, I held on to our marriage and the assurance we both had. Perhaps, it is true that “Absence make the heart forget,” because  unfortunately, last summer 2007, where I just finished my second year course, I didn’t know that he met a younger woman who was 20 yrs. Old that time and it achingly led to an illicit affair. While spending the vacation with him and my little boy, I already felt that there was wrong about him. He became dull and cold in treating me; there were also times wherein he hated me unreasonably. Until it came to a point, that I should confront him and once for all clear things out. One night before we went to bed, I bravely asked him if he still loved me, he didn’t say a thing, instead he just shrugged his shoulders and embraced me so tightly. It was an implied answer, yet he painfully admitted that he was having an affair with that damn girl. To my surprised, I just mournfully cried. As a matter of fact, after knowing the truth, I felt betrayed and rejected, the pain I was feeling inside was excruciating, and I wanted to die that moment. Furthermore, I was even restless, hopeless, feebled and anxious about the situation. From there, things started to fall apart. Somehow, I wanted to forget everything and start a new life as well; I also decided to discontinue my studies to save my family from being broken. Yet, he refused to agree simply because he loved me no more. How can love faded away so easily? Where did I go wrong?  There were many questions left hanging and unanswered. Thus,  providence was so unkind for no matter what my sacrifices were, I could no longer brought back what was lost and   untangled what was  distorted. More so, the bitter truth had finally slapped on my face when he had chosen his mistress over us. Despite what I had done, my efforts were futile and my prayers were useless.

However though, while I was having an emotional turmoil, I just can’t simply throw away everything for I have a son who loved me so dearly. I had so many sleepless nights and the only thing I did was to cry. Sometimes, while riding in the jeepney, when the dilemma suddenly crossed my mind, tears just kept falling from my eyes and it’s uncontrollable.  It had never been expunged no matter what I did. Momentarily, I went back to school and pretended that nothing happened. It was really difficult knowing that I bore this burden; grudge, anger, hatred, regrets in my heart but I

had to do what I had to do. Fortunately, in spite of what I had been through, after two years of struggles and difficulties, I was able to graduate with flying colors. With all the courage I had, I was able to surpass everything even without my husband’s love and support.

Indeed, in a way some marriages don’t last for perpetuity particularly when the other party repudiated to fix what was broken. But as a wife, I assumed that I had already done my part, I tried to hold on but he pushed himself away from us.  If I wasn’t enough for him maybe he just failed to acknowledge my worth just like what I did to him. As a mother, I am giving him the love and care he ought to have. That if I failed to be a wife to his father, I will never fail to be a mother to him. As a woman, I learned to value myself more, for I was too busy loving somebody but I failed to realize that I also needed to be loved in return. Whatever happened to me in the past is just my life learning lessons which I reflect on as my strength and inspiration in reaching the milestone.  What’s important is I never gave up fighting to regain my dignity, and respect for myself. I’m delighted that after I succeeded from the worst scenario God had given me, I had conquered my fear in facing this journey alone and overcome my despondency as well. Happiness cannot only be found to one person alone but it is deep within oneself. Only time can tell as to whether he comes back or not. But for now, I just savor every bit of opportunity that knocks on my door.

  “Change was never easy, I fought to hold on, and I fought to let go.”